The last entry that i posted was written yesterday, and i wanted to post as written. But i want to explain a bit more thuroughly, because maybe i am not being fair. I was expecting understanding of something that maybe can not be understood unless you have been there. I am not looking for attention, which is why this all has remained unsaid. The pain that these words cause cut right through me, which is why i chose to be silent. For once in my life, i did not want to explain it all, because for once i did not want to cry, i just wanted to go on, as if it wasn't there.

As I lost control of my car, those were some of the calmest moments i have ever experienced, i knew exactly what choices i was making and the actions i was taking. i never once imagined in those breif moments how i would be affected. I had this summer planned out, exactly what needed to get done, exactly what i wanted from my life, and how i was going to fulfill it. but because of the choices i made in that car, i ruined those plans. When i see the little things, the changes that have taken place from my physical capabillities, my apperence, my anxiety level, my connection to my church, my connection with my friends and family, i feel responsible for each and every thing that has deteriorated. If i had made a series of different desicions i could have kept control of my car, and everything would have gone as planned. everytime i cant lift a box, remember how far behind i am in my readings, and cant touch my toes, i relive each choice i made in that car. I here my father's voice telling me how inexperienced a driver i am. It hurts more than i could ever explain to say this outloud, which is why i had chosen silence. I feel guilty for not believing in my own abillities as a driver when i was in that car. I feel guilty for deciding to go into the ditch. I have caused myself all of this pain, and there is no one else to blame. I chose to take my eyes off the road, i chose to not have both hands on the wheel, i chose to run into the ditch rather than try to gain control of my car.

Honestly, if you are that sick of me blaming my problems on the accident, if you think i am looking for sympathy and want to be the center of attention, than i am sorry. I never wanted to talk about it, i had hoped that maybe, it could be understood that i was hurting without me having to relive every moment for you. All i wanted was love, i needed to feel like i mattered, to be held and told it was alright. I am sorry for annoying you all. I am not mad at anyone, and i can see how my emotional rollercoaster has been a burdon for all of you. I promise this is the last time you will hear it, I will keep it to myself from now on. I never meant to disrupt anyone elses life. I made my choices and i can live with them. I am sorry for bothering you all for so long.

sometimes we judge before we even bother to scratch the surface and look beneath, and those we love can be isolated by the unwillingness to understand without cutting them open.

Assumptions are made about the outermost layer, without knowing what lies where the light has not yet reached.

Sometimes our own minds block out emotions, and we fool ourselves into false securities, only to be blindsided when the supressed surfaces.

Sometimes we hurt those we love, and other times we are hurt by those we love, and sometimes love fades when truth goes unspoken.

Sometimes we watch things deteriorate, with hopes of a better tomarrow, but hopes do not make change, action makes change.

Sometimes we blame others for not taking action, when we sat there on the other side with no intentions of change.

Worst of all, sometimes we fail to recognise the signs of someone truthfully hurting, in need of love, and give them a cold shoulder and send them off alone to face their demons.

Things are not always what they appear, most times we can not see the whole truth from our vantage point. Think what you must about what you can see, but know that in forgetting to search for truth and understanding you can forget about the meaning of unconditional love.

It is not my job to explain each problem in my life, and maybe i dont want to spend my day dwelling on all of the things going wrong. I shouldnt have to explain what makes a bad day, week or month. We all have them at some point in our lives. I will not sit around and be judged for not knowing how to handle the problems that I am dealing with, I am doing the best that i can. If it is really that bothersome, then replace me, because obviously my presence doesnt mean a damn thing. Dont stick around out of pitty, I have my truth, I have love, and i will fight tooth and nail to become everything i want to be. I shouldnt have to explain my life, fears, and intentions to feel loved. I dont need that kind of love.

so after this recent little battle of mine the last two weeks, and my amazing realization at church... i came to thinking about who i am. i realized that i may not have perfected all of my summer goals, i still may get angry, and sometimes i over react, and sometimes i let myself get wrapped up in the loneliness.

But i also realized that i have taken a lot of burdens off of my shoulders, i have learned how to be more emotionally independent, sure i still need my friends, but i know how better to take care of myself. i have let go of worrying about many of the things i have no control over, and have been able to let go of a lot of my test anxieties as far as grades go.

i realized that i was getting down on myself because i thought that i hadn't changed because i had not yet gotten a grasp on a long list of things that i am working on to better myself, because i had forgotten all of the progress i really have made.

if my grandfather had not left, i would never have made it this far, i would not have the driving force to change, and although i miss him, i know that i am making my life worth something and he is so proud of me.

its friday, and i have come to realize that i have nothing to do... and not in a good way. the people here, they dont like me, i mean... its not like im hated... im just not the person that will ever be called to hang out... in fact i am not even the person that is invited because they are standing there when the plans are made. people will make plans in front of me and still not include me. sometimes they play the.. speak in code so she doesnt notice game... but usually its an outright blatent thing... like oh we should do this... and then... if i were to ask what was going on if anyone wanted to do anything... it would be oh i have plans... or oh im busy...

i miss people that care. but i can't seem to figure out what it is i do to make people not want me around. i have tried everything. i have done everything in my power to make friends and it is just not enough. i am so sick of being lonely, of having no one. i spend my evenings by myself... and i can't live like this... i never get anything done because i always feel like shit.

maybe i never changed... all those big plans on how to change my life... how to be a better person. i think i am just pretending to be something i am not, because obviously i am not even enough to make myself happy, i am just depressed and lonely. it doesnt matter how long i pretend to smile... i just end up back in my room alone, no friends...

i just dont understand how i can mean so little... to so many people... when i tried so hard.

after today, i only have 37 days left here at adrian college. in 37 days i will get to make the drive home to the friends and family that have become my world. You can't choose your family, but i guess i am lucky in that way, i have a family that i wouldnt change... we fight, like all families do, but the unconditional love and support they have shown me is immesurable. I can choose my friends, and i have been lucky enough to find friends that care for me as much as i care for them. people that make my life worth living.

in only 37 days, i will leave this dark hole to pursue my dreams. "can a man change his stars?" i dont know, but i am going to do everything i can, to become the person i want to be. I will follow my dreams, and work toward becoming something worth while. i can do this, i know i can, i just need to try.

in 37 days, i can leave these stained walls for a clear new beginning. i have a chance to start over. new first impressions, new people, new challenges, new struggles, a chance for my dreams to be fulfilled, all i have to do is leap. so step by step, inch by inch, i am nearing closer to this exhilarating ride, prepairing myself to dive into the unknown

so i thought i would catch everybody up with what all has been happening in my life since this summer... heres the quick and dirty version...

my room is extremely messy... whats new

i have been working on a ton of shows and stuff

i am transferring to columbia college chicago next year

i have grown alot in my walk with god

i learned how lucky one is to have true friends and why i miss all you guys at home so much

my old jeans are starting to fit again!

im single... had a couple of dates... yea i went on real like... get to know you dates... but obviously still single... lol

yep... so that should about catch everybody up on the jist of things...

so i thought i would come on here and let ya'll know that im still alive. It has been so long since i have done the whole lj thing, but i felt a need to come on and blog a bit. Dont really have too much to say at the moment, just that things change quickly, and it has been an interesting ride watching it all melt away like a sand castle at high tide. My whole world has been changing, i am now faced with desicsions, ones that have been hard to make, but i know i need to move on, move forward with this dream. It has been hard to choose a path that could end in failure, but i can not see it any other way. I know i need to leave my comfort and head out into the unknown. I hope you all know how much i love you, and dont feel that i am leaving you behind. I have made the choice to go to chicago next year because i will never forgive myself if i dont. I wont stay held back hiding from my dreams to live a life of would haves and could haves. sorry that this entry has been so long. I will probly write another one to catch everyone up on all the stuff in my life... but i have to go to class. Hope everyone is doing well.

so i had oral surgery on friday... which is way not cool...
although the laughing gas was an interesting experience as always...

i have spent all weekend sleeping and watching movies, props to laird for visiting me and keeping me company.

today is the first day that i am not feeling like... "i want to go back to bed...." so thats cool... exept for the fact that this means i actually have to get work on moving...

anyhoo that is the whole update...



peace, love, and rock&roll

so yesterday was the date... the 6 month mark of greif. who would have thought that yesterday could be so good? there were times where it ached to think it has been six months without him, without his smile, laugh, or advice, but i made it through. I honored his memory by smiling laughing and even giving advice to a friend. I have great friends, that understand, and i appreciate them.

i think everyone has been taken by suprise to see this new me, happy and silly the way i used to be. I know the change has been sudden, but i promise, this is not the bottom about to fall out, this is the beginning of my life, i have re-evaluated, i have changed for the better. i love myself, and my life, for the good the bad and all the inbetween.

what could have been an extremely hard day turned out great.

i couldn't be happier




~peace, love, and rock&roll

so this weekend was interesting to say the least. friday went bowling and actually won a game!!! then went out to KARAOKE! man i missed the fun and thrills of singing in a bar! jk so then sat went to see stephens play. I was impressed with the dancing. it was interesting to compare their rendition of oklahoma to ours. and now i am heading to katies grad party! WOOT!

I am feeling great. I have great friends who love me! what more could a girl ask for. this is the happiest i can remember being in a long time. Thanks to all of those who stuck it out through so much crap to allow me to get to where i am today! I LOVE YOU ALL!

updating two days in a row... i kno... amazing
so today i had this strange urge to sit and sulk. i just wanted to be miserable... i mean... i dont actually want to be miserable, hopefully no one does, but there was just this part of me that was like "give in... be depressed..."

me i just kept saying "hell no i wont... i am not gonna shed more tears over this crap"

"come on... why fight it... just be sad"

so today was a battle, but i didnt sit and sulk, i played piano, took a bike ride, talked and did some things on the computer. I refuse to sit there and let myself feel like shit.

so today was a battle won! i really can do it. this whole, choosing to be happy thing is harder than it sounds, but so worth it.

so i have been home for like 4 days now. It is so different being at home... i am not used to having my mom here every day. At first i was mad because i did not think it was fair to come home and have to change my rootine and the choices i am used to making for myself and bow to my parents rootine and the choices they make for me. But i am realizing that we have to meet half way. When my parents ask me to do something, i do it, because i am seeing that in return, they are giving me the freedom that i so desire. Letting me go where i please, not telling me when to get up or how early i need to be home. I dont have to wake them up to let them know i am back, i guess they are starting to view me as an adult. So far so good!

things with stephen are ok. I mean... things are great, but this distance is going to be hard. I have to trust when it does not come so easy. After everything that has happened, it is hard to put blind faith into this sometimes, but i will take it one day at a time. I just hope he is not having second thoughts or regretting trying the distance, i really hope that he can handle this and that he is as willing as i am to make it work. I can't imagine my life without him, he has helped me to grow up so much in the last 4 months, i am not the same girl i was christmas morning. As each day goes by i am realizing that i can handle things, i CAN do this, it just takes some elbow grease.

anyway, i am home for those of you who did not know, so that was just a little update on the home life, feel free to call me, ttyl byez

in one week from today i will be home for the summer. I cant wait to see everyone, so this should be a happy thing, but i am a bit nervous. Stephen will be 1.5 hrs away, but more importantly, i will have to live in a "steril" house. Its so clean its discusting... this is not my home. I will have to move, and deal with all of my things, my memories. Each object has some memory tied into it, and seeing it all, living with it all, it is like opening the flood gates of a door that while here at school i have mostly closed and moved past. Coming home is like greiving all over again, it is like starting over what i have already accomplished. It is like having to learn to find new solutions to fix the leaky faucet that has been fixed a million times. I don't know how i am going to do it, just take one day at a time i guess. I can do this, i will do this, there isn't any other option.

it is so hard to be home. I feel as if the progress i have made at school took giant leaps backwards. It seems like i am in limbo here, i can not breath or function. I feel alone, and am reverting back to the way i functioned befor i left after christmas break. I find myself crying a lot durring the day. Part of me cant wait to get out of here and go back to school, back to stephen and alex, but part of me doesnt ever want to leave. There is this big part of me that just wants to stay here in this... existance, thats all i feel like i am doing here, is existing. I feel as if time has stopped and here i am in this house, alone, working to get things done, seeing these big changes in the future, but i feel like they are all on pause. If i just sit here, nothing will change, time will stop, and i can just exist.

I was going through my bookshelf today and found some photo albums. There were a couple of photos that made the tears well up in my eyes, but it was ok. Then i found this little booklet i had made in 5th grade. It was a photo album of the things that mattered to us. I flipped through glancing at the pages, me playing piano, my stuft animals, my friends, my dolls, each with a paragraph about why i would miss them. I cried out when i flipped the page and saw a picture with the paragraph underneath "I WOULD MISS MY GRANDPARENTS FOR THREE REASONS." it went on to talk about them taking me on trips and letting me spend the night at their house. The third reason was that "THEY ALWAYS SUPPORTED ME AND CAME TO EVERY PERFORMANCE, SOCCER GAME.." sobbing i flipped the page and continued my work.

i am coming home tomarrow. My father is coming to pick me up at 4. I should be exiteded, but i cant help but have this forboding feeling inside. This will be the first time i have been home for an extended amount of time since my grandfather's passing. I am constantly reminded of him here, but at home i will be in the places that we had so many memories. I have to admit that i am scared of being home, sleeping alone without the comfort of someone close that understands to take care of me. I know i will have my parents but they dont know what i have been dealing with and that i am still aching many nights. It is going to be hard to keep a level head and pretend that i am ok. I dont kno if i can do this, but i will, because i have to. I cant help but miss him. I wish i could go to his grave, and take him flowers, but i they wont allow visitors to the grave site yet. I see snow outside and feel it is a great place to reflect so i will return later... so it was like 11:22 and now it is 12:11 i just got back in... my fingers are very cold... stephen brought me back inside (well i decided to come back in but he came out to talk with me a bit). There were big snow flakes outside. I let them hit m face, neck, chest, and hands. I listened to without you and finale B from rent over and over again. i cried. i dont know what tomarrow will bring, but there is only one way to find out now, so here we go, onto the next day. nothing to do but move forward and hope the past doesnt bite me in the ass. well thats all for now, i am sure i will have more to say about this later.

so it has been a life time since i have updated... so here i am updating... anyway things have been up and down. I have good days and bad days. Slowly but surely the good days are out numbering the bad ones and it seems that most the days are good. There are the occasional sleepless nights... but i can deal with that. It is better than the pain i used to feel. i am starting to learn to be happy again, thanks to the people who have really taken care of me. Look, i know i can be difficult, i know i am sometimes too much to handle, but you all seem to not mind, you all seem to want to take care of me, and i wholly appreciate it. i am going to be home in less than a week (friday) but i will be quite busy. I would love to see you all and will do my best, but i have to pack and clean because my mom is putting the house on the market befor i come back to school so i am going to have alot of chores and things to do. so if i dont get a chance to really spend oodles of time with you while im home dont be offended...

anyway.... go to this site (pretty please... for me):

http://kevan.org/johari?name=Beth+Ann+is+me

ok... so its been a very long week... a really really long week. for those of you who dont know, my grandfather passed at about 12:15 am on the 26th of december... in other worlds late christmas night...

it hurts so much.... and i just dont know what to do. i can only have my friends over for so much... they are the only thing that keeps me together... i forget... i smile when they are here. but by the 8th... i will be back at school, and no one there will understand. They dont know how close i was with him, they wont understand why i feel the way i do.

when i think i am doing better, i see my grandmother or my mother, how much they are hurting, and it kills me. I know i have to be strong for them, but seeing how much pain they are in, i feel that same pain. i feel it in my gut. so i am sitting in my house, by myself, and i have yet to accomplish anything. i just feel like crap.

ok so... my b-day was awsome!!!! IM 19!!!!!!!!!


had a great time w/ everyone... thanks for coming over ya'll. if u want the details of the night u will have to ask me... im too tired at this point to type them...

g-night all

1. Luke
2. Dan
3. Jerry
4. Mia
5. Adam
6. Marc
7. Mrinmai
8. Steven
9. Derek
10. Abby
11. Matt
12. Mike
13. Dj
14. Pat
15. Kristen
16. Matt o
17. Eric
18. Janie
19. Frank
20. Scott



Don't CHEAT by going back and changing the person you wrote down!!

How did you meet 13?
He was friends with mike and matt... we sat at lunch together

What would you do if you never met 5?
i would have no one to corrupt... i would be missing out on a lot of good memories

Have you ever had a crush on 3?
hahaha... dont even know how to answer that

Would 4 and 11 make a good couple?
umm... im not sure what to say to that... they kinda... but kinda... umm... i guess i will go with a no on that one

On a scale of 1-10 how cute is 14?
setto is way hott... omg... wow... umm... crazy hott... like wow

What language does 10 speak?
english

Who is 8 going out with?
just broke up w/ cherry

When was the last time you talked to 18?
five min ago... just left my house

Does 2 have any siblings?
yes

Would you ever date 7?
mrinmai... i love you... but no... dont do girls... sry

Is 15 single?
as far as i kno

What is 4's middle name?
i don't remember

Would 7 and 19 make a good couple?
Mrinmai and frank?!? im saying no... although id get a kick out of that one... wow

Whats 16's favorite color?
sry i cant remember

What school does 8 go to?
Adrian! w/ me!

Where does 9 live?
troy

Would you make out with 1?
hahaha... thats a good question... and an even better answer.... yes yes yes.... oh yes... wow... hot damn yes

Are 5 and 6 best friends?
of course adam and marc are friends... our four!

What is your history with 20?
scotty... hmm... he and i became friends thru art... and started chillin w/ poker games and the boyz

Do you like 17?
yessm... good friend of mine... great w/ the backrubs

Whats your status with 3?
id say close friends that unfortunately dont talk often

this is sooo hard... i finally have free time... and there is so much i want to get done... but i find myself feeling horrible...

all i feel is alone...
more than i did befor...
i work and work... but am quickly seeing the no one cares if im back...
no one here gives a shit when i am gone...
because i dont mean enough for anyone to miss me...
i am left out... because i am not worth having around...
i have acuired the talent of not fitting in no matter where i end up...
i guess that is the mark of a true artist... the one that has no where to go but their art...


all the havens that protected me from the storms have burned down to ashes
each flame slowly smothered out untill all that was left was one glowing ember
which i now watch as it dwindles into black nothingness
i stand in the cold sleet of the hatred and pain with no where to run to
the cold numbs my flesh and freezes my heart
until all that is left is the shell of who i used to be
now, only a void, a shadow, that wispers in the wind